Who fucking knows?

January 19, 2010 at 10:52 am Leave a comment

I am at the point that all those cute images that always attracted me now take on another residence. The images we send women of what is femininity is can be disturbing in the extreme, constant loss of power, always receptive, I am watching Ben-1o with students when an a little female elf, a side character, wonders into the story. I feel the same draw to her that I do to Blythe or other girly accessories, the messages of gender call to me at times (and no that’s not the basis of my claim to trans-gender) the elf spends most of the show accompanying Ben10 (who’s messages for masculinity include shooting laser beams in anger to force two sides in a war to consider reconciling instead of trying to further discussion) I am at the point that I have some idea what it’s like to desire to be out of power, to trust another person with your self, to let yourself be with another in such a way. I have been sleeping after sex. I have been dreaming, things come back to me, I feel better about myself even though I can’t change myself as I could then.
New Years I begin to play a new game, for years I have repressed my dominating desires in sex, which is to say yes I have developed a heterosexuality, but one that doesn’t involve power plays, rather it is boring and based around the person, people I think are really cool I just wanna fuck ‘m, but the domineering stuff never really goes away, it’s always stuck there just below the conscious, like a lump of phlegm in the throat. It is one of several things I repress through out the day, one of several things I have never really been able to express, but on New Years somewhere between the break out of male fantasies I’ve been having and my openness to being the bottom the difference between the two positions blurs. I notice in Monsie that she never repressed such desire, that she could still make love to someone and enjoy it, the ladyboy I end up going home with loves making love to me, she is phenomenal, yet she wants this position, one that I can not afford or play. I am at home thinking of a girl who gave me a massage once. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she said yet, but never showed. I begin to think it’s ok to be in power, I try to relax my restraints, I feel no different, but I fall asleep in the same way as the other fantasies. At the end of the Ben10 episodue the little Elf girl finds a treasure chest, she’s so excited by the prospect of the treasure she throws it everywhere useless, wastefully, in a manor that goes against my self, but because I am with her with in this character in identification I have learned a way to desire, a new way to be useless, a new to be a doll, and I feel like if that’s what we’re teaching women something is fucked up.

p.s. after the massage girl fantasy I saw one of those pics of 1950s robots gropping girl and felt the robot’s power. It is my contention that sex and gender are vastly different things and that identification has little to do with sexual positions.

p.p.s. it occurs to me later the central question of this post is Do you want to be an elf or a robot?

Entry filed under: media. Tags: .

The Night Neurosis Map

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


Calendar

January 2010
M T W T F S S
« Nov   Feb »
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Most Recent Posts


%d bloggers like this: