Archive for September, 2009

Shaping yourself

For the past few weeks I’ve been thinking about girls and I’m reminded of how I created this identity to begin with. Women and sex have always been a kinda claustrophobia to me, a kinda intense sense of longing jealously and ripping someone’s panties off and fucking them on the bed are one in the same sometimes. I created this self because at the end of the road was this dude who got pussy all the time, but I never quite became that guy, I was always hovering around masculinity never quite able to enjoy the pleasures of domination because of my own moral repugance of such ideas of control, but I find myself obessing working towards that mack self and it annoys me. I have managed to create enough of an alternative sexuality that I’m reminded of the joys of simply sitting back and taking it, of just letting someone love you, and I see that in others. The guy down the street doesn’t obsess about his girlfriend he simply feels at home in the little spot of sexuality that his gender has reserved for him. For me, my own desires run counter clockwise, my bottom status runs against the independence the sense of definition that my masculinity enforces, while letting go has provided me with energy, enjoyment, the ability to see a self outside of the gender constructs I obey for simple employment and passability in everyday society. As Kalup Linzy says, gay comes from with in, but that with in can easily be closed up by the desire to be someone you’re not the desire to work towards maleness and it’s associated rewards, but such rewards run counter to my ambigious place in gender, that the women I love love me in a way that differs from their boyfriends, their lovers, their selves, and my own inability to accept the love of the men who love me. I really need to relax =)

September 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm Leave a comment


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