the trauma

January 8, 2003 at 12:33 am Leave a comment

Whenever I talk to Lacy and she gets in that Evil-Lacy or Confessional Lacy mode I always feel like some unspeakable trauma lies at the heart of her and she knows what it is, but it won’t come out she won’t talk about it. So here’s mine.
I remember the first time I felt that true horror at humanity, that feeling that everything sucks and we should all just die. It was when my parents got divorced. Ya see my mother used to beat the shit out of me with little pre-text. Sometimes it was just spankings, sometimes it was seriously fucked trashing for no apparent reason. She was in a bad marriage and just beat the living hell out of me. At least that’s how I remember it, obviously no wait a second I do remember an Aunt asking me how I got so bruised along with Grand Mother’s etc (how the fuck did the courts miss that?). Whatever. Anyway, when my parents got divorced it was this big trauma for me to be seperated from my Dad (not with standing the seriously streneous relationship we developed later). I guess it was real simple. My mom was evil and my Dad would come home from work smiling and calm. He’s always very calm. Of course he was never really there ya know, more a myth than a father at the time. Anyway long story short my Dad told me he and mom were getting divorced and that’s the first time I felt that seriously fucked sense of catastrophe that stays with me to this day. That is the big angst, the horrible little thing at the center of my being that still stays there and fucks with me to this day. It’s not so bad in the sense over the years I’ve learned to deal with it, but still ya know in the center of who I am I got the shit beaten out of me by my mom ala David Cronenberg’s The Brood. Oh yeah and the courts placed me in my mom’s custody. I feel a lot better all of a sudden.

The Fear
Everyone bitches about not being popular in high school or some of the more original ones bitch about hating everyone in High School etc. I think I’ve covered this before, but not being popular in high school means YOU WERE NORMAL. Now me I somehow managed to be the not quite popular kid, but everyone knows me becuase I’m funny and we used to smoke pot in my Dad’s van after school kind in 11-12 grade. In 10th I was a hardcore Magic the Gathering player. In 9th grade I was easily the coolest kid in school, ditto for 8th and 5-7th were an ever living torrent of hellish anguish the likes of which all teenagers are forced through. The more I live, the more aware I become that behind every smiling face lies a mind only moments away from obliterating themselves from the face of the planet. Don’t trust the happy looking people, their seriously fucked in the head.

Entry filed under: media.

updates a dream

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January 2003

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