Archive for December 20, 2002

rumors, schools, and parents

Super angsty journal entries suck, but I feel like I’ve been stuck with some short stick in social circles. I mean let’s face it, I am no more paranoid, nervous, or generally less passionate than any other human being on this planet, but I’m stuck with all these weird images attached to me. I carry around umbrellas or something was one, ya know what type of mind set dare put an umbrella in their car? That was a meme, now I’m under restriction for not stalking girls enough or something. After 4 years of constant rejection in Orlando, one serious enquiry into my sexuality, and a few one night stands I’ve come to the following conclusion: YOU NEVER GET THE GIRL YOU STALK. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Calm down, take a breath, forget about. I’m interested in like 5 girls right now two of whom have Hs in their name, 2 of whom I did stalk at some point, but didn’t get, and one who I dated once and finally see what I couldn’t when I was with her. Stalking is stupid, it’s a fantasy and the chances that the girl your stalking is also stalking you, fantasying about you etc. are close to nil. I’m sure I’ll end up stalking someone again, but for the most part it’s an empty affair. You build up a person in your head who you hardly know. I mean if just hang out with women you’ll run into someone whose willing to sleep with you or maybe even date you. I remember this chick in sixth grade named April who I meet at summer camp. She came by my room to talk to my roommate and I remember moving over the closet to avoid getting nervous in front of this girl. Anyway, one day she knocked and I opened the door and somehow said something witty and she responded with something that seemed to say, “please come and fuck me now.” It didn’t happen, I mean I couldn’t hold up enough social affability to perk her interest for more than 3 minutes (I think I can manage around an hour thirty now), but it turns out we were going to the same middle school. I bothered her every single day. I followed her around the track. I talked to her at lunch. I don’t think I ever said anything witty to her again. I might have actually asked the same 3 questions to her over and over again for all I know. One day she got so sick of it she screamed at me in the middle of P.E. (away from everybody else luckily) and that’s the last time I talked to April. By some interesting chance I found some other friends about a week later and she seemed a distant dream when I saw her in the hallways, khaki shorts and plump ass with a striped shirt that with held secrets.

School
So while I’m on the subject of middle school let’s get this shit out of the way. I loved Middle School in the end because it was the only time in my adolescence I ever meet people I could relate to. I meet a lot of people I liked, I had a lot decent friends who I still think about, and yeah I also was seriously abused and made fun of. In the years since I’ve ceased to care. Most of the jackasses that fucked with me are probably doing stupid shit compared to my life. Plus I had a lot of fun in middle school. Elementary school was bad ass up till 5th grade when it being my second year at West U. Elementary I became the butt of the cool kids’ jokes and all my friends were video game geeks which yes I was more or less the king of (I actually owned a neo geo at one point). My best friend Lee Wilson I think I met at West U. Yeah that seems right. We lost contact around my first year in college, but by that point he had strayed into D&D and me into Derrida (I feel very pretensions saying that). We’ve already gone through middle school (Sarah McQustion, Dylan Miracle I remember) now ninth grade was probably the best year of my into school days. David Duke (no relation to the politician) and I clicked off the bat and years later I’d realize the pavement shirts he wore ya know were a band. Jessica Templet I remember, she shaved her head and managed to look amazingly pretty with short cropped red hair. This one girl was always chasing after me, but I was never really interested in her. Maya, one of the carry overs from Lanier was also with these kids. They all had intense lives outside of school though which I never had. Basically, it was a fun bunch of people to hang out with. Everyone was funny, and yeah there were some role playing kids who banned me from their competitions. I honestly think I’ve never really played a role playing game, but I have probably spent about 3 weeks of my life in total getting a character ready for a role playing game that I would find out, I didn’t really want to play.

I feel bad that I can’t remember his name, but there was this one really nice kid who played ska and was into electronic music. Now here’s an odd thing to admit too, I think the Lords of Acid was probably like the second or third cd I ever bought. Up to that point I have a TMNT sound track, Soul Asylum, Velvet Underground box set, a Soft Machine album, and a lord’s of acid album. And yeah… I liked the lords of acid (ok yeah and I also ended up with music for the jilted generation and one other pre-fat of the land prodigy album… along with DJ DB’s history of our world drum and bass comp. which wasn’t bad actually). I also bought some truly horrible “trance whatever” compilations before stumbling into aphex, black dog, and warp around 16. I remember once getting on a plane and seeing a kid with a Black Dog shirt, I can’t believe my memory so traces status.

I guess with the way things were going in my high school life some type of eventual going out and having fun with people type of thing was about to happen. My friend David whose last name I now can not remember I was supposed to go to one of his shows. It seemed like everybody I knew in high school was in a band, or doing something. Ska was big then for some reason as was GWAR and shock rock. This one band named Billy Goat used to shave their pubes on stage, that was their big draw. Sprawl was another punk band or was it… no wait a second Sprawl I think was the funk group. Whatever, I listened to rice college radio all day and bought mostly top forty albums while expanding my reading interests.

I’m kinda trying to come to peace with the fact that I lived most of my life in seclusion I feel, when in reality I did not. One thing does continue to bother me, and that’s the way my family never get along. I mean you can blame kids at school all you want, I’m sure their trashing instilled a sense of fear of humanity in me that will probably never leave, but my family didn’t talk. We really had no communication. We didn’t know each other. We still have very smallconversations. I feel as this is the central problem of my life, I never learned who to deal with social shit from the day to day life in my family. Yeah I shut myself away myself, but my parents never engaged me, my mom still lives in denial of my life and my Dad just doesn’t really get it. He’s a cool guy and I like my Dad more than mom because mon pere actually has interests and a sense of humor. The theory in my family is that I’ll end up like my Dad who supposivley started so shy and nice, and now exceeds good will and has a kinda pretenious personality which hides a keen intelligence underneath (my dad has learned 8 different languages in his life). He’s also a backstabbing fuck and a total asshole on occasion, but I think these extremities of his personality are probably a result of a keen climbing of the economic ladder, and an eye for spotting talent and filling holes. My point is, he’s complicated and maybe not as moral a human being as my mother, but he’s a more fascinating character and worthy of further research.

December 20, 2002 at 4:25 pm Leave a comment

rumors, schools, and parents

Super angsty journal entries suck, but I feel like I’ve been stuck with some short stick in social circles. I mean let’s face it, I am no more paranoid, nervous, or generally less passionate than any other human being on this planet, but I’m stuck with all these weird images attached to me. I carry around umbrellas or something was one, ya know what type of mind set dare put an umbrella in their car? That was a meme, now I’m under restriction for not stalking girls enough or something. After 4 years of constant rejection in Orlando, one serious enquiry into my sexuality, and a few one night stands I’ve come to the following conclusion: YOU NEVER GET THE GIRL YOU STALK. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. Calm down, take a breath, forget about. I’m interested in like 5 girls right now two of whom have Hs in their name, 2 of whom I did stalk at some point, but didn’t get, and one who I dated once and finally see what I couldn’t when I was with her. Stalking is stupid, it’s a fantasy and the chances that the girl your stalking is also stalking you, fantasying about you etc. are close to nil. I’m sure I’ll end up stalking someone again, but for the most part it’s an empty affair. You build up a person in your head who you hardly know. I mean if just hang out with women you’ll run into someone whose willing to sleep with you or maybe even date you. I remember this chick in sixth grade named April who I meet at summer camp. She came by my room to talk to my roommate and I remember moving over the closet to avoid getting nervous in front of this girl. Anyway, one day she knocked and I opened the door and somehow said something witty and she responded with something that seemed to say, “please come and fuck me now.” It didn’t happen, I mean I couldn’t hold up enough social affability to perk her interest for more than 3 minutes (I think I can manage around an hour thirty now), but it turns out we were going to the same middle school. I bothered her every single day. I followed her around the track. I talked to her at lunch. I don’t think I ever said anything witty to her again. I might have actually asked the same 3 questions to her over and over again for all I know. One day she got so sick of it she screamed at me in the middle of P.E. (away from everybody else luckily) and that’s the last time I talked to April. By some interesting chance I found some other friends about a week later and she seemed a distant dream when I saw her in the hallways, khaki shorts and plump ass with a striped shirt that with held secrets.

School
So while I’m on the subject of middle school let’s get this shit out of the way. I loved Middle School in the end because it was the only time in my adolescence I ever meet people I could relate to. I meet a lot of people I liked, I had a lot decent friends who I still think about, and yeah I also was seriously abused and made fun of. In the years since I’ve ceased to care. Most of the jackasses that fucked with me are probably doing stupid shit compared to my life. Plus I had a lot of fun in middle school. Elementary school was bad ass up till 5th grade when it being my second year at West U. Elementary I became the butt of the cool kids’ jokes and all my friends were video game geeks which yes I was more or less the king of (I actually owned a neo geo at one point). My best friend Lee Wilson I think I met at West U. Yeah that seems right. We lost contact around my first year in college, but by that point he had strayed into D&D and me into Derrida (I feel very pretensions saying that). We’ve already gone through middle school (Sarah McQustion, Dylan Miracle I remember) now ninth grade was probably the best year of my into school days. David Duke (no relation to the politician) and I clicked off the bat and years later I’d realize the pavement shirts he wore ya know were a band. Jessica Templet I remember, she shaved her head and managed to look amazingly pretty with short cropped red hair. This one girl was always chasing after me, but I was never really interested in her. Maya, one of the carry overs from Lanier was also with these kids. They all had intense lives outside of school though which I never had. Basically, it was a fun bunch of people to hang out with. Everyone was funny, and yeah there were some role playing kids who banned me from their competitions. I honestly think I’ve never really played a role playing game, but I have probably spent about 3 weeks of my life in total getting a character ready for a role playing game that I would find out, I didn’t really want to play.

I feel bad that I can’t remember his name, but there was this one really nice kid who played ska and was into electronic music. Now here’s an odd thing to admit too, I think the Lords of Acid was probably like the second or third cd I ever bought. Up to that point I have a TMNT sound track, Soul Asylum, Velvet Underground box set, a Soft Machine album, and a lord’s of acid album. And yeah… I liked the lords of acid (ok yeah and I also ended up with music for the jilted generation and one other pre-fat of the land prodigy album… along with DJ DB’s history of our world drum and bass comp. which wasn’t bad actually). I also bought some truly horrible “trance whatever” compilations before stumbling into aphex, black dog, and warp around 16. I remember once getting on a plane and seeing a kid with a Black Dog shirt, I can’t believe my memory so traces status.

I guess with the way things were going in my high school life some type of eventual going out and having fun with people type of thing was about to happen. My friend David whose last name I now can not remember I was supposed to go to one of his shows. It seemed like everybody I knew in high school was in a band, or doing something. Ska was big then for some reason as was GWAR and shock rock. This one band named Billy Goat used to shave their pubes on stage, that was their big draw. Sprawl was another punk band or was it… no wait a second Sprawl I think was the funk group. Whatever, I listened to rice college radio all day and bought mostly top forty albums while expanding my reading interests.

I’m kinda trying to come to peace with the fact that I lived most of my life in seclusion I feel, when in reality I did not. One thing does continue to bother me, and that’s the way my family never get along. I mean you can blame kids at school all you want, I’m sure their trashing instilled a sense of fear of humanity in me that will probably never leave, but my family didn’t talk. We really had no communication. We didn’t know each other. We still have very small conversations. I feel as this is the central problem of my life, I never learned who to deal with social shit from the day to day life in my family. Yeah I shut myself away myself, but my parents never engaged me, my mom still lives in denial of my life and my Dad just doesn’t really get it. He’s a cool guy and I like my Dad more than mom because mon pere actually has interests and a sense of humor. The theory in my family is that I’ll end up like my Dad who supposivley started so shy and nice, and now exceeds good will and has a kinda pretenious personality which hides a keen intelligence underneath (my dad has learned 8 different languages in his life). He’s also a backstabbing fuck and a total asshole on occasion, but I think these extremities of his personality are probably a result of a keen climbing of the economic ladder, and an eye for spotting talent and filling holes. My point is, he’s complicated and maybe not as moral a human being as my mother, but he’s a more fascinating character and worthy of further research.

December 20, 2002 at 4:25 pm Leave a comment


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