Archive for February, 2010
I’ve always had this thing when I’m at the top of a building, a sense of just letting go and falling a slight vertigo as it so happens. I feel my feet slowly leaving the floor and the feeling surges through me for most of the duration of my stay. I feel slightly uneasy sitting on ledges, as if I’m going to lose my balance.
I have assumed for most of my life that suicide is a product of misery, that as David Foster Wallace remarked the pain simply becomes unbearable, but I am arguablly happier than I was a year ago perhaps more than usual. Things are going my way, my job is steady, the friends are building, a love life might soon be mine, but the other day I was sitting on a ledge and felt the feeling even greater than a I did before. It was as if I could fly, I wanted that release, to simply fly off the roof and die.
I think this might be a reason for suicide, suicidals are often elated, their unhappiness has come to an end, they have figured a way out of their problems or perhaps they’ve simply become so intrigued by release that they have to try slitting their wrists, jumping off rooves, etc. The jump promises an end to something, perhaps not even suffering, but merely a self. We have so many selves in a life, but so few ways to really destroy their cumulative experience to eliminate desire or perhaps even worse repressed desire. Jumping isn’t about depression, it’s about ending feeling entirely, destroying the means of the self, finding in it a negation we at times need. Flight is a means of merely getting out of this life, finding a way to somewhere else or maybe I just really need to go bungie jumping. =)
Absence of sexual outlets
Severe emotional pain
Inability to relate with others
1. a repressed heterosexuality in which the hetereosexuality I picked up from another man was to much for me. It went against my values and I thought it was wrong. It also scared the shit out of girls.
2. Repressed homosexuality. I have an experience when I was younger that was akin to a drug trip after a man made love to me on the internet while I posed as a woman. I couldn’t accept the way I felt, guys just don’t feel like that.
3. dented but functional pseudo-bilitis this is a peculiar sexual desire in which women that I love I fall in love with instantly (she’s so awesome etc) I want to fuck. I desire this the most, but approximately 90% of women I love instantly do not desire this type of relationship and additionally do not appreciate my advances.
Unrepressing the heterosexual fantasies potentially makes women outside of my circle available sexual partners… potentially they do after all have choices in their mates. I get the feeling this wouldn’t work because I wouldn’t be fitting into gender correctly i.e. playing the male role they desire.
Butch – Clicked once with a woman who identifies with men. We made out in her car and it was amazing, however these women are hard to find. She wasn’t over-domineering.
Bilitis – I’ve met two bilitis style lesbians I was on the same wave length with, the top was a little bit to much, but the bottom seemed about right. This seems like the best outlet, but again is hard to find. Additionally, lesbians do love other women, it is the physicality of the female body that is part of the turn on, hence a lesbian would probably drastically prefer another woman to me.
Dudes – accepting a sense of powerlessness (is that it?) and somehow furthering along this repressed and almost non-existent facet of my sexuality seems quite hard to do. The major reason is the openness with which I greeted that man long ago was due to ignorance, I didn’t know it was going to take me that far and no he didn’t do anything crazy with me. Additionally, this sexuality appears to be a by product of identifying with women something which I am unable to do right now.
Psuedo-Psuedo Bilitis? Somehow getting with a ladyboy or effemiate man I love. Apparently this does happen.
I began identifying with women in elementary school if not before that. I appear to have reached the zenith of this period in college, but due to long term unemployment felt that I had to become more normal. In Bangkok I hit upon an idea of difference, that people come from different places pyschologically, at the time I had the idea that people don’t change and that I’m only the person changing, such has turned out to be false and the block on identity that I have is slowly resolving.
If it is possible to take apart a sexuality, much less one as complicated as mine, there are the further problems of employment, but even following the straight narrow, being not gay and not effemiate, I have been unable to maintain work stability or even a relationship much less the pyschological effects of going with out growth of stagnating in masculinity with out the option of bettering oneself from identification and change.
This map will be updated periodically as I think up more facets, holes, and other enigmas of my many problems.