Archive for January, 2010
I am at the point that all those cute images that always attracted me now take on another residence. The images we send women of what is femininity is can be disturbing in the extreme, constant loss of power, always receptive, I am watching Ben-1o with students when an a little female elf, a side character, wonders into the story. I feel the same draw to her that I do to Blythe or other girly accessories, the messages of gender call to me at times (and no that’s not the basis of my claim to trans-gender) the elf spends most of the show accompanying Ben10 (who’s messages for masculinity include shooting laser beams in anger to force two sides in a war to consider reconciling instead of trying to further discussion) I am at the point that I have some idea what it’s like to desire to be out of power, to trust another person with your self, to let yourself be with another in such a way. I have been sleeping after sex. I have been dreaming, things come back to me, I feel better about myself even though I can’t change myself as I could then.
New Years I begin to play a new game, for years I have repressed my dominating desires in sex, which is to say yes I have developed a heterosexuality, but one that doesn’t involve power plays, rather it is boring and based around the person, people I think are really cool I just wanna fuck ‘m, but the domineering stuff never really goes away, it’s always stuck there just below the conscious, like a lump of phlegm in the throat. It is one of several things I repress through out the day, one of several things I have never really been able to express, but on New Years somewhere between the break out of male fantasies I’ve been having and my openness to being the bottom the difference between the two positions blurs. I notice in Monsie that she never repressed such desire, that she could still make love to someone and enjoy it, the ladyboy I end up going home with loves making love to me, she is phenomenal, yet she wants this position, one that I can not afford or play. I am at home thinking of a girl who gave me a massage once. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she said yet, but never showed. I begin to think it’s ok to be in power, I try to relax my restraints, I feel no different, but I fall asleep in the same way as the other fantasies. At the end of the Ben10 episodue the little Elf girl finds a treasure chest, she’s so excited by the prospect of the treasure she throws it everywhere useless, wastefully, in a manor that goes against my self, but because I am with her with in this character in identification I have learned a way to desire, a new way to be useless, a new to be a doll, and I feel like if that’s what we’re teaching women something is fucked up.
p.s. after the massage girl fantasy I saw one of those pics of 1950s robots gropping girl and felt the robot’s power. It is my contention that sex and gender are vastly different things and that identification has little to do with sexual positions.
p.p.s. it occurs to me later the central question of this post is Do you want to be an elf or a robot?
The Night begins… I don’t remember anymore… I am facebooking or something like that… there’s a party at Glow w/ Nat & Goro. I’m not gonna go, I have to save… I have to go to Laos next week… around 10 I decide to go… glow turns out to be a 3 story house converted into night club. There are girls and eventually I decide to talk to one… she has a boyfriend… Mem and Deyan and Emma are there. I say Hello. Glow has these bed couches so I lie down and play gameboy… I have a gin and tonic… at some point I have a mental arguement with Luz Iriguay… she is enforcing traditional gender roles I need to get up and talk to girls pinch asses shit like that… I tell Mem I need to pinch people’s asses, she grabs mine and molests it, I feel her ass and some friend of her’s ass. He actually has a hot ass. There’s a girl walking around with a page boy cut and a cool dress, I try and talk to her, we can’t relate. The bar has Fernet Branca, I drink two of them and Dane comes in. He can’t understand me, thinks that I’m talking about some night. I say hi to Ichiro. Me and Dane exchange books we’re reading… read… possibly going to finish. Of my remaining 1000 baht I’m down to like 400 at this point which reminds me… I’m down to like 1000 baht left which is one of the reasons I didn’t want to go out… also the ass pinching thing occured to me with the girl with the pageboy cut, you see Luz Iriquay comes in my mind post-fernet branca and while I’m sitting there talking to this girl she turns away from me and I have this idea to pinch her ass, but I can’t because I basically don’t know her and something is just saying don’t do that… so at that point I go and complain to Mem about my need to pinch asses, the guy was tempting BTW. My Nintendo DS keeps crashing so I can’t finish the level I want to in Zelda. I read some Luce on the ereader Je, Tu, Nous and as usual am impressed, her stuff flows through me, I feel the thread of the conversation opening… Some other notable Glow moments, two hired dancers on the stage, the smallness of the crowd, Bangkok’s clubs seem to max out around 60 people, Glow reminds me somehow of the little techno clubs in Brooklyn, small space which packs at most 60 – 80 people. The DJs are amazing it has Fernet Branza, I’d say it’s a win. The party finishes and I end up going to some after hours place at a hotel on Soi 20 walking to in which I can’t kinda help shake my head, this place appears to be whoretastic, but once we get inside it seems to be more that every Thai couple on sukhumvhit has ended up at this place scratchdogs, the music is obnoxiously loud, the mc interrupts every song, some decent stuff comes ons every once in awhile when we enter they’re playing that Jay-Z with Alcia Keys things with “new york… lets hear it for new york…” which is really good actually were it not for the fact that the song is destroyed in 8 different ways before we even get to our miniscule table. Mem has her second boyfriend with her tonight, her friend with the punky hair cut is really cool. She dances amazingly, it’s really hard to watch at times… I just rubbed nicotine into my eyes… I need to shower… BRB… Scratchdogs is the type of place I would normally avoid, but I am having some fun here and at this point I’m so out of girls that the concept of any of these women getting a rise out of me seems absurd all the hootchie mommas around the dance floor are beautiful, but I don’t dream of reaking violence on their body, squeezing body parts etc. except Mem who is pecularily slutty and hence I do slightly lust after, her belly pushing through her dress, her make up offseting her eyes, not quite beautiful, but rather memorable… kinda like my 60 year old manager I tried to dance with unsucessfully at the last school party… Deyan and I agree to leave and we end up at Goro’s which is kinda like what I’d imagine Goro’s place would be, an empty house rented with others which is in tern sparesely furnished with record crates, I love Goro’s place it reminds me of people I knew in Florida etc. It bears a resemblance to the type of place I would have lived in college. There’s a girl on the bed when I come in and her sleep is both erotic vulnerability and question, I feel a link to her, a need to be so vunerable and increasingly women seem like the phoenix bearing under the pressure of male desire, constantly reinventing themselves, or perhaps I’m wrong… I imagine Emma laughing at this… during Goro’s party I also have this mental argument with Emma whose asleep at the point feet away from me, something about sleeping, following women, etc. The dj plays something that sounds like an African chant or Animal Collective over the house record he’s playing, I aks what, he tells me it’s The Police, score one for Sting… I decide to download the album later. At times I’m haunted by radical feminists, butch dykes, and other things and their view of the world, I think in terms of man meat, objectification, I am asleep on Goro’s floor the voices come on, it’s been an hour… I continue to wonder if these people even like me, do they even want me to be there or am I just a quiet lump on the floor, dwindling away into the evening, someone there to bum cigarettes, can I talk? do I talk? do i even want to talk? I serve no purpose, but I do ok self reassuring comments come back on… it’s time to go, we wander down the street… I feel a need to make sure everyone gets into their cab… Deyan can’t even speak a lot of thai… oh yeah I am also haunted that evening by this women who hired me to teach English in Japan who didn’t get me and took each and every facial expression and expanded it out into a world of assumptions many of which are wrong, you know the people who think they understand, but don’t get you? one of those types, constantly annoying because they prick some aspect of the self that shouldn’t be because they can’t give in and admit that maybe they just don’t get anyone. I am to tired to usher people into cabs, I get the in the first one and worry if my 200 baht will make me home… it does and I got a change for breakfast =)
p.s. I am glad I went out.
Today begins at 5:50 when the Alarm clock beeps and
I wake up, punch the snooze thing on the cellphone
and keep sleeping. I wake up around 6:20 and
then try to get the shower to work, it’s on but
it takes a few minutes until pressure builds up
and then it actually begins to shower. I get out of
the apartment around 6:30 and in a cab by 6:40
despite this I am still almost late to work (I have to
be at work by 7 on Thursdays). On Thursdays I
greet the kids, when I’m not thinking about it I
greet the girls, I levitate
towards them, and they greet me, but I am
assigned to the boys as usual and squak out
“Good Mornings!” as the day progresses. I’m a lot
happier with the men these days, it doesn’t bother me
to greet them.
I get chicken rice and it’s at this point that
the arguements begin. It starts with Anna Kerlin
who is accussing me of something or merely
making fun of me or something like that, these
altercations are often violent, bloody, end
in deaths etc. Natalie Weiss is making fun of me
next, by the time I reach the morning assembly
I am almost babbling to myself in my stride Richard
sits down next to me and I tries to talk to me
I am to absorbed in my inner world to reply
coherently. I remember Oliver telling me that
in Africa, people are told to not talk to the
people who talk to themselves or get angry for no reason etc. The arguements pass, I begin class,
and occasionally drift off in class, I am trying to
get over the violent alteractions in my mind, despite
the fact that one of the women named does continue
to hate me, I am trying to let go, to just accept
that someone I love can never really accept me
greet me or even talk to me… forgive me, that because I did something stupid, I have to live with the
repurcussions of neurosis for the rest of my
life. But it’s that someone can hold a grudge that long or can simply fail to empathize, fail to understand, fail to even grant another the benefit of forgiveness that bothers me. I did after all apologize.
Today I am not tired, in fact I teach my first 2 classes
with out any coffee or tea. I take my break and
fill my thermos with the Chinese tea another
teacher gave me. I help Pranee down stairs and
eat one of the curry pockets she bought at
the hospital. It’s amazing. During my second round of classes I have m1 class with Beautiful who I love. She’s just so amazing, I love being in the same room as her, and we interact in our weird way, back and forth of attempted answers to my questions. Her class has changed from just her answering to the class answering. Beautiful’s click is full of women I get girls that I think are cool. One reminds of a girl I was in love with in Florida and Florida.
Florida comes back to me in dreams at time. I am beginning to feel again and dreams appear to crawl along such axises, up the shaft of the unconscious and into the waking mind. I dream of two or three people from Florida, I also get tattoos and attend fund raisers for effemiate men. Such is the nature of the unconscious this week.